the murky waters

I wanted to start this first real blog off by bringing up a topic that has been on my mind lately. Pardon me if this isn’t eloquently worded. But what the f*ck am i supposed to be doing right now?  No, not now as in the immediate day. I’ve got that much figured out. Took my dog on a walk this morning, i brushed my teeth, ate brea-. Sorry, back to what i was originally getting at.

Just a few weeks ago i quit what is now job number 6 since i graduated school in 2021. That one lasted the longest, being 10 months. So yeah if you’re good at math you’ll realise i worked about 5 jobs in the first year after i graduated. A great story for the kids, i guess. And truthfully, i’ve ended up hating almost every job i’ve had. Call it me being spoiled or call it overthinking what i’m doing in that job. Either would probably be right. It seems to be the negative stereotype that ‘no one your age wants to work nowadays.’ and if no one your age means me, then yes you’re pretty damn right. It’s not so much that i don’t like working as much as its the loss of ‘being human’ (or whatever that really means) that comes with ‘having’ to work (I’ll save my pseudo-anti-establishment-blah-blah opinions for a different post). Yes, yes, i know there are plenty of jobs that people have where they get to practice ‘who they really are’ and they love their work. That’s great. I applaud the people who figured out what makes them feel full. For me, and i imagine a lot of people, most of the shit that we have to do that’s called work is if we’re talking bigger picture, pretty pointless. I do this task so someone else can do their task better and then their task makes the business they work for more money. That’s all fine and dandy until you realise that you’re spending, what 30-40+ hours a week doing some shit you really don’t give a damn about. Ugh.

So like i was saying, we do a lot of work to make money that doesn’t really have a greater point other than to help someone or something make more money. And maybe (yes) this complaint is moot. Why am i rambling about something massively out of my capabilities to change? I don’t really know precisely. But what i do know is that i hate HAVING to do something. Work isn’t so much a choice as it is an obligation. Sure i could take advantage of social services and be unemployed, but that’s not solving anything. We all get thrown into this system and have to learn step by step how to climb the metaphorical stairs of success. I have to quit job after job until i ‘find that right thing’ or at least settle for something close to it. I can’t wait!!

Okay, that whole thought probably came up pretty nihilistic and that’s not really my intention here because nihilism in itself is pretty inane. But, I guess what I want to say with all of that is, I wish it was easier? I wish I could immediately know what ‘career,’ since that’s what we have to call it, makes me happiest. What job doesn’t feel like a job. Yeah, i get it. “Be patient with yourself.” “it’ll come to you when you least expect it!” you’re not wrong for saying that… But, also stop saying that to people. You’re being positive and all but you’re lying if you also don’t have the same thoughts i’m sharing still, even after finding ‘your thing.’ let me just end this post by saying this: if you are young like me (or older), and have no idea what the fuck you’re doing. It’s okay to be scared. I am too. But I know there’s more layers to this shit (sorry for all the cursing.. I just mean to say life here).

I’ll be here later to say more on that and what i think those layers are but for now, literally just close this tab and go on a walk. You’ll probably appreciate it.

Peace, D.